Saturday, February 14, 2009

Experiencing Death!!!

27 Jan: While taking an afternoon nap on this day, dreamt of chest's right side hurting a bit... slowly the pain seemed to worsen, so put one finger on a rib and pressed slightly... it didn't help much... the pain continued worsening... more and more and more... also it dawned that breathing had become difficult... increasingly difficult...

Suddenly, revelation hit... ITS NO DREAM!!! ITS REAL... indeed it was... excruciating pain in right side of the chest... difficulty breathing... can't breathe properly... can't inhale completely... pain shoots up while inhaling... as if the ribs are poking in the right lung!!! stand up slowly... STILL it pains while breathing... revelation hit again... DAMMIT ITS REAL!!! ITS NO DREAM...

Removed T-shirt... thinking maybe it soothes pain while breathing in short 'pulses' to reduce stinging chest pain... checked right-chest: huge depression on right-chest... now pretty sure of ribs digging in lungs... flush of despair, anxiety & pain... body heats up... start sweating... vision blurs... zooming through white space... like the stars screensaver but no white dots in black sky, just white streaks in white background!!! closed eyes...

Thoughts (in order of appearance!!!) start surfacing:

Is this 'Dying'??? (breathing excruciatingly painful...)

Should go to Infirmary... but that is too far!!! (can't even move my legs properly now...)

Should recite Navkar Mantra like mother tells to do under such circumstances!!! start doing so... stop after 4-5 times and thinking of lying down... (STINGING PAIN) lie down in opposite direction wrt earlier... feel cool breeze from a very slightly open window... (is it soothing???)

Now thinking of chugging Bryonia - homeopathic medicine for all ailments: cough, cold, fever... (probably would also work in case of dying of pain!!!)


Slowly the pain disappears and the depression on chest seems to have been filled... lungs no more constrained... can inhale fully... open eyes slowly... vision restored!!! stand up... can breathe normally... no pain... flush of relief, Relief & RELIEF!!!

AFTERTHOUGHTS: The rumored depression on my chest still exists: it seems to be an indispensable part of my emaciated body!!! It seemed huge maybe because of pain, fear, delusion or whatever (leaning towards right makes the depression deeper!!!) and while lying down it does disappear which is normal!!! The pain may have been due to CO2 poisoning or lower O2 levels (but symptoms don't quite match!) owing to several factors: (i) the quilt (pretty low temperature outside!) was tightly wrapped around my face forming 'huge walls'; (ii) the 'wrong' inclination of the floor (or bed) meant my head lay lower than my feet; (iii) almost sealed room with only a slightly open window near my feet. The recovery may have been due to the  access to 'fresh air' after reorienting myself! After thinking of all this crap, I lie down again on the bed and laugh out loud for quite some time... enjoying the Death Experience!!!

Lastly and most importantly (and obviously) like in Rurouni Kenshin, the moral of the story is: There is Nothing Stronger than the Will to Live!!! :)

After reading through this 'grim' post, do lighten up by reading

Hidamari Sketch

*Great resolve now that I think back, though as of this day I'm yet to solve it!